


welcome to scenic my stream

by Elendraug



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Homestuck Kink Meme, M/M, Webcam/Video Chat Sex, mangaka dudebros lords of the shitwankery, rated M for immature
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 13:45:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6706684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elendraug/pseuds/Elendraug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TT: I am SmuppetFucker413, and you’re in a private chat session.<br/>TT: What do you want me to do?<br/>uu: WELL FUCK. I DON’T KNOW.<br/>uu: MAYBE YOU SHOULD FUCK A SMUPPET.</p>
            </blockquote>





	welcome to scenic my stream

**Author's Note:**

> I have no answers for you
> 
> written for [this kinkmeme request](http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/40628.html?thread=47380148#cmt47380148) ~~but it is probably not what they wanted, gomen~~ I GUESSED WRONG, THEY LOVED IT thank god
>
>>   
>  **_Dirk/Any male aside from Dave; roleplay skype sex_ **
>> 
>> _Whether to ease into the carnal phase of their relationship or simply trying to spice things up in the sexual department, Dirk and his partner decide to roleplay as a popular camboy and a client who paid extra for a private streaming session. I prefer Dirk in the camboy role, but I wouldn't be put off if the filler decide to switch roles and dynamics around._
>> 
>> _bonus: the whole thing is actually Dirk's idea because he's a little nervous/self-conscious about doing this face to face in person_   
> 

TT: Hey, sexy. What brings you to my section of the camming world?  
uu: YES. I AM HERE BECAUSE WE HAVE “HORSES” AND “MANGA” LISTED AS MUTUAL INTERESTS.  
TT: Fucking hot.  
TT: Let’s talk about manga horses.  
TT: What should I call you?  
uu: PLEASE REFER TO ME AS “YAOI_MASTER11” FROM NOW ON. THIS IS MY INTERNET NAME.  
TT: Noted.  
uu: I AM TRANSFERRING THE PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED RATE OF 66 CAL COINS PER MINUTE TO YOUR VIRTUAL PORKHOLLOW.  
TT: Yeah, I see that.  
TT: You’re all set, don’t worry. The payment negotiations are handled by the site.  
TT: Anyway. Welcome to my private stream.  
TT: I am here for your personal enjoyment.  
TT: What should I do, Yaoi Master?  
uu: [PUT SHOE ON HEAD.](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/put-shoe-on-head)  
TT: What?  
uu: YOUR SHOE.  
uu: PUT IT ON YOUR HEAD.  
TT: I don’t understand.  
uu: I’M PAYING YOU IN THE FINEST FAKE MONEY THE INTERNET HAS TO OFFER. NOW DO WHAT I SAY.  
TT: Uh. Sure.  
TT: There, how’s that?  
uu: I FEEL LIKE YOU COULD BALANCE MORE STUFF UP THERE.  
uu: MAYBE SOME BOOKS.  
uu: GET YOUR PONY PALS COLLECTION. HURRY UP.  
TT: This is going to mess up my hair.  
uu: SEEING YOU PUT OBJECTS ON TOP OF YOUR HEAD IS ALLEGEDLY GRATIFYING TO ME, YOUR CLIENT.  
uu: HOOK ME UP.  
TT: Ok.  
uu: ALSO. WHERE IS YOUR SOUND?  
TT: My roommate’s home. Keeping this limited to chat keeps the hot stuff just for us.  
TT: I can turn it on if you really want, though.  
uu: YEAH. DO THAT.  
uu: YOU DON’T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING THOUGH.  
uu: I JUST WANT TO HEAR WHAT’S GOING ON.  
TT: Sure, hang on.

“Dude,” Dave calls from the kitchen. “We are officially out of Easy Cheese.”

“I’m kind of in the middle of something!”

“I’m just being fuckin’ courteous, man. This is my own full disclosure. I ate all the cheese. Let it never be said that I stole your junk food, not that you wouldn’t deserve it after what all you’ve ransacked from my personal snack stash.”

Dirk turns away from the webcam, frowning. “How do you even go through an entire can of Easy Cheese in one sitting? I just fucking got that.”

Dave holds up a [plastic bowl with a straw built into the side](https://36.media.tumblr.com/8dc5dfb7fd851fe2f6ddb80db609afbb/tumblr_nxkt5aCYaW1ueuokro10_r1_1280.jpg), ostensibly manufactured for cereal or ice cream or soup but now being used for nefarious purposes. A swirled stack of yellow-orange rises over the side. There are colorful sprinkles on top. Dirk makes a face.

uu: TELL DAVE I SAY HI.  
TT: I am a popular camwhore and I have no idea who you are referring to.  
uu: TELL HIM ALSO TO SAVE SOME EASY CHEESE FOR ME.

Dirk takes his sneaker off his head and sets it on the desk. He sighs.

TT: I’ll tell him.  
uu: OK.  
TT: Let’s get back to it.  
TT: I am SmuppetFucker413, and you’re in a private chat session.  
TT: What do you want me to do?  
uu: WELL FUCK. I DON’T KNOW.  
uu: MAYBE YOU SHOULD FUCK A SMUPPET.  
TT: Uh.  
uu: HOW DOES THAT EVEN MERIT “UH” AS A RESPONSE?  
uu: THAT’S FALSE ADVERTISING, IS WHAT I CALL IT.  
uu: A MAN SHOULD GET HIS MONEY’S WORTH.  
uu: EVEN IF IT’S FAKE CURRENCY. THAT I AM PRETENDING TO PAY.  
TT: You know, you could at least try.  
uu: I FAIL TO SEE WHAT I’M DOING WRONG.  
uu: I AM A PAYING CUSTOMER.  
uu: INDULGE ME.  
TT: Fine.  
uu: HEY. ASK DAVE IF HE KNOWS WHERE MY MARKERS WENT, BTW.  
TT: Can this wait?  
uu: I GUESS.  
uu: I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.  
uu: HE WAS GOING TO BORROW THEM FOR SOMETHING.  
TT: Look, man, I’m sitting here, waiting to go. You’re on the clock.  
TT: Do you still want to do this?  
uu: YEAH. IT’S FINE.  
uu: OK. UH.  
uu: WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

Dirk puts his head in his hands.

TT: As you can plainly see, because I am streaming live video footage of myself, I am wearing a black tanktop and some tasteful lingerie.  
uu: I WAS TABBED OUT OF THE WINDOW. SORRY.  
TT: How the fuck could you see the chat?  
uu: I HAD THE STREAM POPPED OUT.  
TT: Oh my god.  
uu: ALSO. “TASTEFUL LINGERIE” IS A STRETCH.  
TT: What’s wrong with these?  
uu: YOUR DICK IS IN RAINBOW DASH’S NOSE.

Dirk looks down. It’s [not](https://41.media.tumblr.com/b8af3b9b280b58939f825096f542f45d/tumblr_o6h15vLeni1qm5fm6o1_1280.jpg) [untrue](https://66.media.tumblr.com/abeb72bc5073e9c4ab7ffeee0a2d6734/tumblr_o6h15vLeni1qm5fm6o2_1280.jpg).

TT: So?  
uu: SO LET’S BE HONEST.  
uu: I THINK YOU COULD STEP UP YOUR GAME A BIT, HERE.  
TT: Hey, fuck you, man.  
uu: WASN’T THAT WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO DO?

“Dude, are you talking to Caliborn?” Dave asks, from across the room. “Tell him I say hi.”

Dirk pinches the bridge of his nose, just below his shades. “He can hear you.”

“Oh shit. Tell him I have his Copics.”

“You don’t need me to tell him, _he can hear you_.”

“Hey!” Dave shouts. “I finished _Outlaw Star_ , by the way!”

uu: OH FUCK.  
uu: WHAT DID HE THINK?

Dirk leans his chin on his hand. “He wants to know what you thought.”

“It sucked ass!”

uu: OH MY GOD, RIGHT?  
uu: TWILIGHT SUZUKA SHOULD JUST BE IN HER OWN SHOW. SHE DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE WITHIN THE MAIN PLOT.  
TT: Fuck you, she’s the best character.  
uu: YOU’RE BIASED. YOU CAN’T OBJECTIVELY ANALYZE A SERIES IF IT HAS ANYONE WHO WIELDS A SWORD.

“He says Twilight Suzuka is an extraneous character.”

“Dude, dude, no. Not even, because Aisha Clan-Clan exists solely for the purpose of having tits and screaming. I don’t know when the fuck ‘screaming’ became its own character trait but I feel like the 90s are to blame.”

Dirk spins the desk chair around to face the kitchen. “I’m not playing middle man.”

uu: PUT DAVE ON, THEN.  
TT: You’re paying for my time, not his.  
uu: I’M NOT PAYING FOR JACK SHIT.  
uu: THE CAL COINS ARE FAKE. EVEN IF THEY WEREN’T, THE PAYMENT AGREEMENT WAS MADE THE FUCK UP, BY YOU.  
uu: THIS STREAM HASN’T EVEN LEFT OUR OWN LOCAL INTERNET CONNECTION.  
TT: Y’know, I remember a time when you claimed to be the ultimate expert in playing pretend, and shit.  
uu: YEAH BUT MY IDEAS WERE FUNNIER.

Dirk stands up and pushes the chair back towards the living room desk. “Okay, I’m done. This is obviously not going anywhere.”

Dave, who’s sitting on the kitchen counter, looks up at him and shrugs. He spoons a glob of Easy Cheese into his mouth.

“I’m gonna go take a shower.”

“Enjoy your warm rain box.”

Dirk heads down the hall. 

Caliborn opens the door from Dirk’s bedroom and grins to him as he passes. “That was hot. We should do it again sometime.”

Dirk flips him off, shaking his head but reluctantly smiling. Caliborn smirks and flips him off, right back.

“Dude, but you know what?” Dave says.

“Did Dirk not tell you to save some of that for me?” Caliborn asks.

Dave shakes his head, but reaches next to his foot to get a second spoon out from the utensil drawer. He hands the spoon to Caliborn. “No, that equine bastard. We can share.”

Caliborn takes it and scoops out a large amount of processed cheese product. “What were you gonna say?”

“Okay, you know what? You know who’s awesome?”

Caliborn shoves the cheese in his mouth and speaks awkwardly around it. “Who?”

“Jim motherfucking Hawking, that’s who.”

“That’s because,” Caliborn says, around a mouthful of cheese, “Brianne Siddall is the best voice actor on the show.”

“Also consider: Mary Elizabeth McGlynn.”

“Yeah! Definitely. _And_ Richard Epcar, I guess?”

Dave nods.

Caliborn reaches over for another spoonful of cheese.

Dave attempts to suck cheese and sprinkles through the straw in the bowl. It doesn’t work.

Dirk jacks off in the shower.

**Author's Note:**

> [not too bad, after all](http://elendraug.tumblr.com/post/143700507521/im-doing-the-thing)


End file.
